Mr. Oliver Hammond here. Now that I've reached adulthood, it's time for me to choose a trade. Fancy Feast doesn't buy itself, you know!
As I've casted about for an appropriate occupation, many things have come to mind:
1) Couch Mechanic--no one can work on the underside of a couch the way that I can, but it's not my favorite thing to do. It's more of a kitten's job.
2) Lizard Wrangler--those reptiles are fun for awhile, but pull their tails off and throw them in the air a few times, and they just give up and lie there.
3) Surveillance--the don't call me "Peekers" for nothing. If I could talk, the tales I could tell you...but since I can't talk, it doesn't make me very useful as a source of information.
4) Alarm Clock--Diane hasn't slept past 5 am since I started going outside. I am sure she would agree that I am completely punctual. I don't think she actually likes this, but she has gotten up and worked out more frequently, thanks to me.
But do you know what my dream job is???
Plumber! It's my secret desire to be able to work on toilets all day long. I'm fascinated with the things. Whenever Rowdy or Diane is in the bathroom, I have to be there to see the porcelain throne in action. I also hope to learn how to fix the bathtub so that I will never be able to take a bath again.
But how can I get in touch with a plumbing company to get them to hire me? I had a brainstorm the other day--I would cause the gaskets on every toilet to fail, so they would run and run. And then when Rowdy tried to fix them, I made sure it wouldn't work. Just to fool-proof my plan, I also caused a valve in the garage attached to the water heater to leak.
My plan almost worked!! The good people at Ideal Plumbing were called. They fixed everything, and I was able to watch the process. Then the plumber went out to his truck. He left the back open while he totaled the bill and talked to Rowdy and Diane. It was my big break, so I JUMPED INTO THE BACK OF THE TRUCK!! Whee! I was going to finally become a plumber! So long, Ralphie and Black and White Kitty! No need to hang around the neighborhood with you deadbeats anymore.
But then, the plumber came back to the truck before I could get to the passenger seat to ride with him. I had to get out. Oh well, I will keep trying.
I would have missed Rowdy, Diane and Keiler. I might have even kind of missed Ralphie and B&W--a little.